How To Run Into Cobwebs On The Trail, With Tips For Maxiumum Impact

Step One. Exist.

Step Two. Go hiking.

Step Three. Run into cobweb. (Use your face for best effect.)

Step Four. Explore one of these many options, or make up your own:

  • Keep walking. Shout, “DON’T CARE,” with great volume.
  • Fall upon the ground. Cry.
  • Swipe at face. Hit face. Have bruise. Ouch.
  • You are now adorned with nature’s tinsel. Break into song. It’s like every day is Christmas. How wonderful.
  • Freeze. You know there’s a spider in there somewhere. Scream. It’s on you. You cannot get away. It’s on your face. Frantically wipe your face. Maybe, if you’re fast enough, you won’t die. Return immediately to step one. Cry if you have repeated this four times or more.
  • The way is shut. It was made by those who are spiders, and the spiders keep it. Aragorn doesn’t get beheaded by ghosts, because he keeps his pointy stick in front of his face. Be like Aragorn.
  • Spiderweb? What spiderweb? You have other things to worry about. Like this hill. Move on.

Step Five. Wake up in the morning on the next day of your hike. Repeat from beginning.

 

P.S. Ok, contrary to all appearances, I do not actually have a thing against hiking through spiderwebs on the trail. They are not bothersome after the first 500 times, really. You could also just skip this entire list by a) Not hiking, or b) Sleeping until someone else has hiked the trail first. Both are excellent and quite restful options.

 

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